Your Estate Plan Says What You Decided. Does Your Family Know Why?

 

By Julie A. Kolodziej, Attorney at Law | JPR Law, LLC

 

One of the things I love most about my practice is that I get to talk with so many people about their families, their lives and the things that really matter to them. I’m grateful that the career path I chose has allowed me to help people in ways that often go far beyond preparing estate planning documents.

 

Those conversations have also taught me a lot about families.

 

After more than 25 years of doing this work, I’ve seen certain concerns and family dynamics come up again and again. One of them is something people don't always think about when they first sit down to create an estate plan:

 

How will the people I love understand the decisions I’m making?

 

Sometimes the concern is practical. Will my kids know what these documents mean? Will they know what they're supposed to do?

 

But sometimes it goes deeper. People wonder how their choices will feel to the people they love. If I put one child in charge instead of another, will they understand why? If I divide responsibilities among my children, will they understand that I chose each of them because I know them?

 

Those are good questions.

 

Because estate planning isn't just about creating legally effective documents. It's about creating a plan for real people and real families.

 

One family, three very different children

 

Consider a mom with three adult children: Sarah, Michael and Katie.

 

They love each other. They get along reasonably well.

 

Sarah lives nearby. She’s organized and has been the one helping Mom with appointments and paperwork for years.

 

Michael lives a few hours away. He’s good with money, but he has a demanding job and three kids at home.

 

Katie is the youngest. She and Mom probably talk more than anyone else in the family, but Katie will be the first to tell you that paperwork and finances are not her thing.

 

When Mom creates her estate plan, she makes Sarah her agent for health care. She names Michael as her agent for property and successor trustee.

 

Katie isn't put in charge of anything.

 

There are perfectly good reasons for every one of those decisions.

 

Mom chose Sarah because she lives nearby, already knows her doctors and is comfortable dealing with medical issues.

 

She chose Michael because he's good with finances.

And Katie?

 

Katie is the one Mom talks to every day. Mom doesn't want to give her another job—particularly one involving paperwork she knows Katie hates.

 

Mom isn't ranking her children.

 

She's thinking about who they actually are.

Now imagine Mom explains that

 

Years later, when the family needs to rely on Mom's estate plan, Katie sees Sarah's and Michael's names in the documents.

 

Without any context, she might wonder why she wasn't chosen.

 

But imagine Mom had simply told her:

 

"Katie, I didn't leave you out. You are already the person I talk to every day. Sarah is close to my doctors, Michael loves the financial stuff, and you hate paperwork. I picked each of you based on who you are."

 

Now the exact same estate plan feels completely different. Nothing in the legal documents changed.

 

What changed was Katie's understanding of them.

 

There's research into families and inheritance that supports something I've seen repeatedly in my own practice: people can attach meaning to estate planning and inheritance decisions based on their relationships and family history.

 

That makes perfect sense to me.

 

The decisions we make for the people we love mean more to them than names typed on pieces of paper.

Sometimes explaining the why is just as valuable as deciding the what.

Choosing someone isn't giving them an award

 

Parents often tell me they want to treat their children equally.

 

I understand that.

 

But naming someone as trustee, executor or agent under a power of attorney isn't giving that child a gold star.

It's giving them a job.

 

And different jobs require different people.

 

The person you want advocating for you in a hospital may not be the person you want reconciling bank accounts.

The child who lives closest may be the practical choice for one role. The child who lives 1,000 miles away may be perfect for another.

 

And sometimes none of your children is the right person for a particular job.

 

That isn't a judgment about how much you love or trust them.

 

It's thoughtful planning.

 

One of the advantages of doing your estate planning while you are healthy and able to have these conversations is that you can make those choices thoughtfully—and then, when appropriate, tell the people you love why you made them.

 

The conversation can be part of the plan

 

You don't necessarily need to tell your children how much they're inheriting.

 

You don't need to disclose every provision of your trust.

 

And every family is different. There are certainly situations where some information is better kept private.

 

But many explanations can be surprisingly simple.

 

"I made Sarah my health care agent because she lives nearby and already knows my doctors."

"I chose Michael to handle the finances because he's good at that sort of thing."

"I didn't name all three of you as co-trustees because I don't want every decision to require three signatures and a family meeting."

 

Or:

 

"Katie, you know I love you, but we both know you would rather have a root canal than reconcile my bank account."

 

A conversation like that can do more than prevent misunderstanding.

 

It can give everyone confidence that Mom thought this through.

Give the person you choose confidence, too

 

This matters particularly with health care decisions.

 

A Power of Attorney for Health Care can give Sarah the legal authority to act for Mom.

But Mom's conversations with Sarah can give her something a legal document can't:

 

Confidence.

 

Sarah doesn't have to guess whether Mom values independence over extending life as long as medically possible. She doesn't have to wonder what Mom thinks about particular treatments or what quality of life means to her.

 

They've talked about it.

 

Sarah knows Mom.

 

And if Mom has also talked with Michael and Katie, they can understand why Sarah was chosen and what Mom wanted.

 

The legal document creates authority.

 

The conversations create understanding.

 

You really want both.

 

“Fair” doesn't always mean the same thing

 

The same principle applies to decisions about property.

 

Parents frequently tell me, "I just want to be fair."

 

But fairness can mean different things to different people.

 

Sometimes fair means everything is divided equally.

 

Sometimes Mom wants to recognize a child who has provided years of care.

 

Sometimes two children have completely different feelings about the same piece of jewelry—one sees its dollar value while the other remembers Mom wearing it every Christmas for 40 years.

 

There isn't necessarily one right answer.

 

That's one of the reasons estate planning is so personal.

 

The goal isn't to create the estate plan that would be right for some hypothetical family.

 

It's to create the plan that makes sense for your family.

A good estate plan should create confidence

 

A good estate plan creates clear lines of authority.

 

It says who can act if you need help. Who administers your estate. Who serves as trustee. Who receives your property and under what circumstances.

 

Those things belong in writing.

 

But I think the best estate planning can do something more.

 

It can give you confidence that you've thought through these decisions carefully.

 

And it can give the people you love confidence, too.

 

They know who you chose.

 

They know what you wanted.

 

And, when it matters, they understand why.

 

So if you already have an estate plan, here's one question worth asking yourself:

 

If I weren't here to explain these choices, would the people I love understand why I made them?

 

If you're not sure, that's not something to worry about.

 

It may simply be a conversation worth having.

 

And if you realize that the people you would choose today aren't the same people named in documents you signed ten or twenty years ago, then it may be time for a conversation with your estate planning attorney, too.

 

Put the plan in writing. Explain the why out loud.

 

© 2026 JPR Law, LLC. All rights reserved.

This article is for general educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice or create an attorney-client relationship. Estate-planning decisions depend on individual circumstances and applicable law.